reflections
I feel that New Years - though a wonderful excuse to party - is full of let downs and un-met expectations. I rarely get piss drunk as it is, let alone on New Years. I was usually left taking care of a stupid drunken man-child and keeping him from either destroying stuff, falling into things, breaking things, or worse. Regardless - I think it is a lousy holiday that I some how keep falling into and sitting and thinking about the past year.
This year has been the wolf in sheep’s clothing.
Up until about 6 months ago I thought that my life took a turn for the worst and thus the first 6 months were wonderful. Its only until now when I think about it that I really think the whole year was rotting from the inside - it just took 6 months for it to start to show in the surface. I need to keep reminding myself to just let it go but there is one ounce of me that still feels that I need to watch him squirm. I want to be the bigger person - I really do - and I know that a lot of these feelings of vengeance are from my own doing, but I still cant just…get over it. I think part of me wants to feel compensated for what I put up with - Romantically and Professionally. Tomorrow I’m going to start the job hunt again and see what a CAD certification will cost me. The quicker I work with the Gov. the quicker I can get out of this house and feel like im worth something again.
Worth something.
I feel that the only reason why I got into that relationship is because I wanted to feel worth something. I wanted some one else to justify myself worth. He did very little of that. I need to keep reminding myself that there is no love loss - this was the right thing and I would have done it sooner if I grew some balls. Instead I buried myself in work while trying to make last attempts of reaching out - unsuccessfully. My future is beautiful and there has to be some one on this planet that appreciates me for me and loves me for me. I’m starting to connect with people and make new friends and try and re-establish the connections I once had but lost due to ‘other commitments’.
Looking forward this year will be better - I will make it that way. I will be the best person that I can possibly be. I will work harder than I have before. I have a clear idea in my head of who I am and who I was and I will get back to that person by any means necessary.
First, though, I’m going to go to sleep.
