ain't no blue bird ever get to heavy to sing

reflections

I feel that New Years - though a wonderful excuse to party - is full of let downs and un-met expectations.  I rarely get piss drunk as it is, let alone on New Years. I was usually left taking care of a stupid drunken man-child and keeping him from either destroying stuff, falling into things, breaking things, or worse.  Regardless - I think it is a lousy holiday that I some how keep falling into and sitting and thinking about the past year.

This year has been the wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Up until about 6 months ago I thought that my life took a turn for the worst and thus the first 6 months were wonderful. Its only until now when I think about it that I really think the whole year was rotting from the inside - it just took 6 months for it to start to show in the surface. I need to keep reminding myself to just let it go but there is one ounce of me that still feels that I need to watch him squirm. I want to be the bigger person - I really do - and I know that a lot of these feelings of vengeance are from my own doing, but I still cant just…get over it.  I think part of me wants to feel compensated for what I put up with - Romantically and Professionally.  Tomorrow I’m going to start the job hunt again and see what a CAD certification will cost me. The quicker I work with the Gov. the quicker I can get out of this house and feel like im worth something again.

Worth something.

I feel that the only reason why I got into that relationship is because I wanted to feel worth something. I wanted some one else to justify myself worth.  He did very little of that.  I need to keep reminding myself that there is no love loss - this was the right thing and I would have done it sooner if I grew some balls. Instead I buried myself in work while trying to make last attempts of reaching out - unsuccessfully.  My future is beautiful and there has to be some one on this planet that appreciates me for me and loves me for me.  I’m starting to connect with people and make new friends and try and re-establish the connections I once had but lost due to ‘other commitments’.

Looking forward this year will be better - I will make it that way. I will be the best person that I can possibly be. I will work harder than I have before. I have a clear idea in my head of who I am and who I was and I will get back to that person by any means necessary.

First, though, I’m going to go to sleep. 

i’d rather be working for a pay check than waiting to win the lottery

I think that closure is important.

 I’ve been going over what I’m going to say in my head the whole way home.  It’s hard to be the bigger person in situations like this.  I feel slighted and want some sort of compensation for that.  I know in the back of my head his luck is shiny and new and will quickly tarnish while I’m trying to forge my own luck that will last much much longer.  If I let myself get depressed over the fact that time isn’t faster than it will undo everything I’ve done so far.  I must say that my mood has been a bit of a roller-coaster as of late.  I just have to keep reminding myself that ‘I’m better than that.’ 

But I just want him to be happy, I guess. Supposedly he’s learned from it and now has  a better understanding of who he is.  I have learned from my experience, too, but on a much more negative note. Fixer-uppers are charming but not worth the heartache.  But I’m gritting my teeth and smiling.  I just wish that he wouldn’t have lied to me for all those years. I would have cut my losses much sooner. But he better be good to her. We haven’t talked in a while so she is now a distant friend I suppose - nonetheless she deserves so much better than anything that he gave to me. Treat her well.

when she sings like she runs

I cant help it sometimes.  There are points where I feel like I’m on top of everything. I feel like I will come out ahead in no matter what I do.

Other times? Other times I feel like I’m helplessly floating. I feel like every idea, every want, every need is just the reflection of the moon across the water. Its all just artificial light. 

I had been telling myself little lies to keep my head above water but neglected to realize when I jumped in that I didn’t know how to swim. I’ve learned to doggy paddle along the way - I might say that I have been doing quite well until I think about the fact that I’m swimming and then start to drown.

metaphorically speaking - of course.